well, hey there.. fancy bumping into you after all these years!

Getting back into the groove of things. Life is settling down, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I can breathe again. When you find yourself running through a shit storm of events, its sometimes hard to reflect on the little things in life, and it is completely unrealistic to think you can blog about them! 

Never the less.. here I am. Alive and kicking, and ready to start recording our lives again. 

For some of you, the events I will share in my upcoming posts will be repeats of what you see via facebook or Instagram.. for others, who I have missed and not stayed in touch with, get ready.. You are in for some real stories! I wish we could grab a cup of Jo and a dessert and gab together in a cozy booth, but for now sit back, relax and enjoy my life for the past two years!

baby update! :)

We're having a girl!

We are naming her Clara Grace!

This is old news to those of you who are personal friends or facebook followers.. but since its been ages since I've posted, it may be news to some of you! :)

We are all beyond thrilled for her to finally be here!

I am just about about 36 weeks, and so we are down to the money! 4 weeks and counting! :)))

Aidyn and I have had so much fun preparing for her!

He wanted a girl from the very moment he found out I was pregnant, so telling him was sooo exciting! (I will somehow figure out a way to post the video for all of you! It is so precious!)

Sadly, I still do not have her nursery set up! Although everything is purchased. We moved over memorial day weekend, so were still trying to get unpacked! Moving in your last month of pregnancy, isn't as easy as it sounds! :)

When I was pregnant with Aidyn I made sure I was all set up and ready to go MONTHS in advance, but I feel much calmer with this baby! I have everything I need, I just need to get it all put together! Hoping that will happen in the next week or so! (If I don't get too distracted playing with all her adorable clothes! :)))) )

I was really nervous about switching hospitals so late in my pregnancy, but I am SO glad we did! I love our new doctor! He has fantastic bedside manner and at our first appointment he spent so much time answering all my questions and getting to know me! I feel so comfortable! It is exactly where WE are supposed to be!

Tony (BD) was sentenced in July. (I'll update on that next) He will not be able to be present at our daughters birth. Just typing that sentence makes me want to throw up. It is so hard going through all of this alone, but I am getting through it. In fact, this pregnancy has flown by. With everything going on, I feel like the last nine months have been a whirl wind. I'd give anything to have gone through it WITH Tony.. but he has been as supportive as he can be, where he is. I know that when he is released he will be a fantastic father.... and so now we just wait.

I can't wait to hold my princess in my arms! To feel her warmness, smell her baby smell, kiss her little cheeks, and just watch her grow! I am so madly deeply in love with her! Being a Mom is my favorite thing in the world, and I know it will just grow in abundance with our new addition!!!

Aidyn update

There are more changes then can fit in one blog post, so I figured I'd break them down into several posts. :) First and foremost, I will start with my little mister!

I left you all hanging after the bad news we got a few months ago! Sorry about that! Luckily I have good news to report! (at least so far!)

As a refresher, Aidyn was seen at the clinic this past winter with stomach pains. When x-rayed they noticed that Aidyn had a small mass in his liver. Doctors at our small town clinic prepared us for the worst, and gave us several ideas of what it could be. Leaning more towards liver cancer.

I was DEVASTATED! How could this be!? We got on the phone, and called several different hospitals. Originally we had wanted to go with the Mayo in Rochester, Minnesota, but when we talked to them it would be several months before we could get him in. So we turned to the University of Iowa Children's Hospital. They got us in right away, and were very helpful.

They did see the mass in his liver, but after several different scans and an ultra sound, they have decided to leave it be. It isn't causing him anymore pain, and its not disturbing anything in his body. He will however need to have regular ultrasounds (about every 6 months) to make sure it doesn't grow. From what I gather it could cause more pain then its worth to remove it, so for now they just plan to monitor it.

Thank you Jesus!!!! :)

I am so blessed to have a happy and healthy little boy! He is the light of my life, and honestly what gets me through all the challenges I have been facing! I am so proud of him, and so excited for everything he is going to do in this great big world! No matter what the future holds, at least I know we'll be facing it together! :)

We thank you for all your prayers and kind words, and we will keep you posted about all his future medical checks! :)

I thought my life had hit rock bottom with the arrest and incarceration of my boyfriend and sons father... I was wrong. A few weeks after he was arrested I found out I am pregnant with our second child due this fall. After several months of throwing up, dehydration, and ER visits, things had started to get better. My entire family is looking forward to our arrival of this little pea pod inside of me. Wish the drama and excitement could end there! I promise I have enough on my plate... But it doesn't! A month and a half ago my son started complaining of abdominal pain. I brought him in and they did an X-ray. Turned oUt to be nothing more then constipation and a build up of gas... But they noticed an odd mass in his stomach. They figured it was a calcification, but wanted to check and make sure. A week ago Aidyn had an ultra sound that showed that the mass was in aidyns liver. They still couldn't tell what it was so we set up an ct scan for this morning. I was expecting the same results... A calcification... No big deal! But that's not the case. They are still unsure of what it is. The radiologist said it looks like a lesion babies get, but it goes away by around 18 months... Aidyn is 5... So it doesn't seem to be the case... The other two things it looks like are cancer Cancer... Liver cancer.. My healthy beautiful blue eyed boy can.not. Have cancer! I simply refuse to believe it. And so we pray... And pray... And pray. Next week we hope to get into the mayo clinic. They are going over his labs and scans tonight and will call tomorrow to make an appointment! I pray we find nothing. I hope all of you will too. That's why I write this. Because my God and the power of prayer are bigger then the "c" word... They are bigger then anything harming my son! So pray for him, for the doctors, for me, for my boyfriend and for this baby growing inside me! My whole family needs them! Thank you....

answers..

The last post was a little depressing.

I just wanted to update you, but I feel like this blog isn't where I want to do that.

I think I need to keep this blog as my journal for my son, for me, for happy stuff.

I am going to start journaling as well as keeping in touch with other women in my similar situation.

If you would like to start reading about a new (not so much fun...) journey that I am on you may check it out at My Life on the Other Side..

I also hope to start blogging some of the stuff I have missed recently. I really miss the support and friendship I had through all of you! Hope to stop by and say hi again, real soon!

the wreckage.

How perfect life seemed just over a month ago.

Now things are different.

Every things different.

I wish I could blog about what is happening in my life, but I have been forbidden.

Forbidden to release all the secrets and pain in my heart.

I am not even able to call and tell my own mother.

My heart aches to release everything.

My mind goes millions of miles an hour before finally giving out and allowing me to pass out at night.

I sometimes wonder if life will ever be normal again.

If I'll ever be able to forget those images.

That panic that rose in my chest.

The tears that streamed down my face.

The scream that pulled at my lips.

Life goes on.

This I know is true.

I have managed for the past 24 years, and I will manage again.

I am strong.

Mostly because I have to be.

Today I try to ease myself into a normal routine.

Pretend to go about my life.

Pretend that at any moment the ball may drop.

That my act will be over.

That everyone will know.

And so I pray.

I sit here, with my fingers tapping on the keys, and pray.

Pray that God can heal all that has happened.

That once again I can forgive.

That my family will be okay.

But mostly I pray that God has brought us to our knees.

That he changes my family.

That he becomes the center.

That the pieces of my life fall where they may,

and that God creates beauty in the wake of my disaster.

That this wreckage isn't in vain.

This I pray.

This is why I love fall..

:) The colors, the weather, the fun!

Happy Fall Ya'll!

My little Diva

My son is very special.

He isn't like other boys.

Well he does like some things that other boys like.

He likes to get dirty.

He likes to catch bugs.

He likes to wrestle.

He likes hunting.

but..

He also loves his care bears.

He loves to sing.

He loves to dance.

He likes to play "daddy".

He LOVES Taylor Swift.

He would LOVE to be in a pageant!

and Yes, he did tell his stylist today that his favorite colors are pink and yellow.

And yes, he pops his hip when he gets his picture taken.

and Yes, he will refuse to wear a pair of jeans because they don't look good...

or he'll change his clothes five times until he looks "cute".

And Yes, today he did pick out a Barbie coloring book.

But you want to know what?

I love him just the way he is.

I'm not going to put him in a box.

I am not going to stunt his creativity.

I'm not going to "label" him.

I'm going to allow him to like what he wants.

I'm not going to convince him to like "blue".

I'm not going to force him to buy the power rangers coloring book.

I'm not going to make him play with GI Joe's.

He is an amazing little boy, and I am so proud of everything about him.

I think he is the amazing little boy that he is, because no one forces him to be something he isn't!

So to my son.. "Aidyn, you do your thing little man! You pop that hip, you flash that smile, and you just keep being the fabulous diva, I know you are!"

Dear BD

Dear Tony,

How all "this" came to be shocks me.

Sometimes I feel like I need to pinch myself.

I musts be dreaming.

Except this is better then any dream or hope I could ever have made up in my mind.

This isn't anything like the first time.

It is 110% better.

Sometimes when you look at me..

I get these amazing little butterflies.

My stomach does flip flops, and my smile can't seem to fit on my face.

Then there is the way that you wrap your arms around me when I'm standing at the sink.

The same way I'd seen in old fashioned movies.

You nuzzle your head ever so close to my ear.

You whisper something sweet, and kiss me softly, until I giggle and tip my head to meet yours.

In those moments, I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

Have I mentioned that I find you VERY amusing.

You are quirky, and silly, and funny.

I love that we "get" each other,

and that we both laugh with each other..

and maybe at times, at each other EVERY DAY!

Then of course there is the "daddy" part of you..

Sometimes when I watch you and Aidyn, I feel like the luckiest Mom in the world.

I love when you wrestle with him.

I love when he sits at your side, his little legs curled up beside him, and his head leaning against you.

The way your arms seems to fit perfectly around him, amazes me, since it seems to fit perfectly around me too!

You are pretty amazing in that way.

Then there is the funny voices you use when you tell him stories.

I think I find them more funny then Aidyn does.

Most importantly I love that I can count on you.

You are beyond hardworking, and you help to take care of us in every aspect.

You are the kind of man that I have waited for.

I waited four years for you…

and even though I'm glad I didn't have to…

I would have waited for ever.

You are my soul mate.

You are my best friend.

Thank you for everything you do.

Thank you for being my family!

I love you baby,

Brittany

Aidyn update

You're looking at one of the newest pre-schoolers in town!

A full blown smartie pants!

Who draws and paints the coolest pictures!

Who can write his own name!

Can spell tons of words, most recently, the word IOWA!

Who loves to dance, pose, sing, and be a total diva!

Who loves to jump on the trampoline, and do karate moves!

Who loves to spend time with his daddy! (esp. when they are wrestling or playing tag!)

Who gives the best kisses in the world, and who is still a complete mama's boy!

Who is still the best little boy around!

Aidyn is doing FANTASTIC!

I was worried about how the move would affect him, but it doesn't even seem to phase him!

He is so resilient!

and brave..

He does miss everyone in Minnesota, but it doesn't seem to be hindering him in any way!

He is just all around a good kid.

Keep in mind that he is still four.. so some days.....

but for the most part, we have no problems, and we really just enjoy our life together!

He is VERY excited about BD and I being together!

He is positive that we will get married, and is already planning on being the ring bearer!

Lets just say I am one lucky mama!

I have one amazing kid, who just keeps getting better with time!

*by the way.. he says HELLO! :)

Relationship updates..

The real news you want to be updated on.. right?

Well obviously you know that BD and I are back together.

***EEEK***

Things are AMAZING you guys!

It feels so right..

It was a long time coming, but I always knew in my heart that the two of us would be together..

but sometimes it was really really hard to hold out hope.

The thing is, that everything is in Gods timing.

I know that my heart wasn't prepared until now.

I know that I hadn't truly found out who I was until now..

(and maybe I still don't know..)

but I grew.

I grew up, and became a women.

I became a mother.

I took care of myself.

Loved myself.

And guess what..?

When I did that, BD started loving me too!

He realized how strong I was.

He realized how beautiful I was.

He fell in love with me as a mother..

as a women...

and as a friend.

We started talking.

LOTS of talking.

We shared our dreams..

our goals..

our passions..

and realized slowly, that we were on the same path.

That we were assets to each other.

It started slowly..

I worked with him outside...

I helped him clean..

He helped me..

Slowly through these physical acts of kindness, and hard work..

we fell in love again.

Were still falling in love.

It would be a lie if I told you everything was perfect.

We still have the past four years to work through.

We've both said and done very horrible things to each other..

but we have chosen to forgive each other.

I can say without a doubt that I hold no anger or animosity towards him.

I let it go..

and so did he!

There is NO way we could have a fresh start without it!

Forgiveness is a beautiful and refreshing thing.

The difference this go around, is that we have chosen to handle things differently.

We talk, not yell.

We listen.

We take space.

BD and I have chosen to live separately this go around.

I don't know for how long (at least a year..).

We still spend several nights together a week, but it is nice to have some time apart.

At first we didn't want to do that..

but we both realize that its beneficial in the long run.

I can honestly say I have more fun with this man then ever before!

He makes me smile.

He makes me laugh!

He gives amazing back rubs...

The BEST kisses...

and he is one rocking daddy!

If you have followed my blog the last four years, then you know just how far this journey has come!

This was my dream..

and I'm living it…

and i've never been happier!

Thanks for being a part of this journey!

So many of you have encouraged me over the last couple years, and I am so very grateful for that!

So now in this moment of happiness, I hope you're rejoice with me as well!

I am so incredibly excited to see just where this goes!

I hope you'll all stick with me, to find out as well! ;)

*Insert happy sigh, and smile here!