the wreckage.

How perfect life seemed just over a month ago.

Now things are different.

Every things different.

I wish I could blog about what is happening in my life, but I have been forbidden.

Forbidden to release all the secrets and pain in my heart.

I am not even able to call and tell my own mother.

My heart aches to release everything.

My mind goes millions of miles an hour before finally giving out and allowing me to pass out at night.

I sometimes wonder if life will ever be normal again.

If I'll ever be able to forget those images.

That panic that rose in my chest.

The tears that streamed down my face.

The scream that pulled at my lips.

Life goes on.

This I know is true.

I have managed for the past 24 years, and I will manage again.

I am strong.

Mostly because I have to be.

Today I try to ease myself into a normal routine.

Pretend to go about my life.

Pretend that at any moment the ball may drop.

That my act will be over.

That everyone will know.

And so I pray.

I sit here, with my fingers tapping on the keys, and pray.

Pray that God can heal all that has happened.

That once again I can forgive.

That my family will be okay.

But mostly I pray that God has brought us to our knees.

That he changes my family.

That he becomes the center.

That the pieces of my life fall where they may,

and that God creates beauty in the wake of my disaster.

That this wreckage isn't in vain.

This I pray.