Sunday, May 16, 2010

I wish I could start this letter with the excitement I did last time. Only this time, leaving BD's home I feel completely different. I have been rocked to my core.

After months of high expectations, hope, and lies... I find out the truth. I realize that there was never anything there for BD. I was a "filler". BD told he is seeing someone.


How could we go from smiling, cuddling, going to church, planning a family vacation to.. nothing? Sure, he still wants to go on the trip. Sure he still wants me to come visit with Aidyn. Sure, he still wants me to move there. "Only, we can only be friends."

It hurt me the last time we ended. It hurt me that he had cheated on me. It hurt me that my son would not have a father in my home. It hurt me that he left me for another women.

BUT this time he hurt me more. I wanted this for Aidyn so bad. I wanted us to be a family. I wanted us to be happy. I wanted him to love me. Why am I not good enough? Why don't I make him happy?! Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I not funny enough?

What do I have to do to make it enough? To be enough?

So he meets a girl in the last two weeks, and she already trumps me? Already trumps me and Aidyn? How can he not see what is best for our son. Or am I crazy?

I don't know what to think or what to do. I am devistated.

I cried harder then I have in years last night. BD sat next to me. He apologized. He's apologized all day.

All I can say is: "I hope she's worth it."

To top off the weekend, my charger broke. I am writing this on BD's mothers computer. I don't know when I'll be able to blog again (since i'll need to order a new charger and then i'll have to wait for it to be delivered!). *sigh!*

I just need tons of prayers... more then ever. Please pray for me. Pray for my son. I know he is going to be so confused. I just pray that he isn't effected. That he can be my beautiful resilent boy one more time.

I'll be back soon. Until then, please pray.



Rathi said...

Oh my dear Brittany... this is so hard.... i could imagine the courage you would have mustered up in writing this post. My prayers are with you and all my love is with you both.

Hugs to you and Aidyn.

tara said...

ugh. i'm so sorry, girl! take care of yourself and that sweet little boy! things will get better! <3

Rebekah said...

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Prayers to you. Keep your eyes on Jesus. He's got this whole situation under control!

Stacey-Lou said...

oh sweety I'm so sorry! I'm praying things are going to work out for you and Aidyn. Keep your head up!xxx

Tylaine said...

{HUGS} I am so sorry Brittney. One thing I know is that family is where it's at and I do believe that one day BD may come to regret his decision. Seeing your son every other weekend or whenever just does not cut it!! and ya know what when Aidyn is older he's gonna realize (I'm sure he even does now in his own way) who was always there for him and who wasn't and I know I don't need to tell you what that means. My dad left my mom and us 3 small kids when I was only four and I think it was the biggest mistake he ever made!
Love to you girl! You're strong and you will get through this :) Love and prayers for you and Aidyn.

Aimee said...

Wow I am so sorry. I don't know you in "real life" but from what I know of you from your blog I can see you are a sweetheart. You deserve only the best in everything. It seems like BD is too imature to understand or realize what is best for him. I know it hurts and you feel betrayed. But don't blame it on yourself. You deserve better, don't think its because you are not pretty enough or good enough for him. You are better than that... And you will end up being with the right person whether it be BD when he grows up and sees what is right in front of him. Or some other guy. The most important thing is to do what is best for you and Aydin... Make sure to keep open communication. You are a great and honest mother:)

Ill be keeping you in my thoughts

Jess Craig said...

dude, i'm sorry! but, on another note, you can do this. seriously.

Busy Bee Suz said...

This must be so painful for you Brittany. For that I am sorry.
Please don't place the blame on yourself...he chose someone else NOT because of you. Because of HIM.
And if he is not fully with YOU, then he might as well be with someone else. I know this is hard, but you have to move on and see a future with him only being BD and not the love of YOUR life.
I am sure there is someone out there that is perfect for you and will bring you more joy than you know...and 'that someone special' will also come to Aidyn with open arms.
You can still get the dream.

Brittany said...

Oh Brittany, my heart hurts for you. I am so sorry he hurt you again. But please, for your son, DO NOT BLAME THIS ON YOU!!!! It has nothing to do with how pretty, or smart or funny you are, because you are all of those things! This is not about you. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You can't force a person to love you and if they aren't 100% with you, WHY WOULD YOU WANT THEM!?! You deserve SO MUCH MORE and so does Aidyn. You are beautiful INSIDE and OUT! I know you are aching right now and questioning everything, but lets face it, he's a jerk! Leading you on like that? Please, he is too immature and selfish to even deserve you! You need to be strong and focus on you and Aidyn. He will come around to see what he's missing, only this time, don't let him back in. You take control. There is someone out there who wants you, all of you and will love you to pieces and he will appear when you let things happen naturally. Until then, stay stong, smile and most importantly, don't let Aidyn see you sad! Love you!!

Peggy G said...

So very sorry, I am praying.

Homemaker Man said...

So sorry kid. Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself it's not your fault. Try to do it everyday. I'll be thinking about you and Aidyn

Kit Kat said...

Brittany, There is nothing wrong with you! You are just the way God made you, and you are AMAZING! If he can't see how great you are, then maybe he isn't good enough for you. I know this sounds like just what I am supposed to say when bad things happen, but all this is true. You can do so much better! You are such a wonderful person, and I thank God that he put you in my life. Love you!

Vanessa said...

I'm praying for you and your son! God never gives us anything we can't handle :)

Another David said...

First of all, you cannot CANNOT even think about trying to blame this on yourself. It has nothing to do you with you, it's him. OK? OK. Second, I understand how badly you want to have a family with BD, but would you rather have a family that's together but unhappy or father who is active in your sons life in a positive way?

If BD's not the right man for you, then he's not. There's no reason for it, it just is what it is. Still, if he makes you happy, then here's hoping that he is after all :)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I will pray for you and little man.

Don't ever think you are not good enough, pretty enough, etc. You are.


Aubrey S. said...

While he will always be your son's father and therefore he will have a special place in your life, you deserve to have your son grow up seeing you with a man who respects and loves you for you. Not because he is Aidyn's father.

I know this must hurt terribly right now. There are no words that we can say to make it better. But trust that time will make it better. And you deserve to be treated better.

Shelley said...

Oh my gosh!! I'm so sorry Brittany. But seriously, it's not you!! If he doesn't see how dumb a decision he is making then that's on him. You did nothing wrong. You are BEAUTIFUL and so sweet and such a good mother to your son! It's his mistake. You'll get through this! In the meantime, my prayers are with you and your family.

Unknown said...

I'm just catching up on your blog and was so sad to read this. I'm very sorry that you are going through this. You deserve better and I hope that you find it!