Monday, December 14, 2009

The hard stuff

A week or so ago while sitting at a restaurant a friend of mine made an off hand comment that really stung. While talking about our kids, (she is a mother of two girls) and parenting, she said "Well Brittany you only have Aidyn..what every other month." In a tone that implied that I was less of a parent.

I know that she didn't mean to hurt me. I know that she was just trying to make her point, but it hurt.. bad. Truth is that some times I feel like a down right horrible mom. When Aidyn begs me to come pick him up as if I am just down the street. When I dont get to be there for his birthday or Christmas. When he is crying or hurt or sick. I'm not there. Someone else is taking care of MY kid. MY responsibility.

The freedom it self hurts. I know that parents say "Ohh I would KILL for a weekend off." but a weekend is a big difference from a month, or monthS. Sometimes I dont have anything better to do then cry. There is a boulder size hole in my heart, that doesn't fill up until he is in my arms.

When she made that comment I wanted to scream. I wanted to say:

"Listen here (insert foul word). I am more of a mother because of this. I am sacrificing my happiness, my heart so that my son can have a father. I go with out so that my son can have these memories. I cry myself to sleep so that my son knows what it feels like to have a father that cares about him. I would DIE to have my son the way that you have your daughters. I would do anything humanly possible to change this situation!"

but instead I took a sip of my drink, and looked away- allowing the conversation to swallow me up. Tears stinging my made up eyes. I felt like I'd been slapped across the face.

I know that most would say that I have "chosen" this. That I moved away from the midwest, thus causing this whole debacle... but I know without a question of a doubt, that I would not be me, with out this. That I would have given up on myself completely had I stayed in NE. I was becoming someone that I was not proud of. Someone that allowed others to take advantage of her. Someone that wasn't proud of herself. Someone that was used.

I moved because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have become the mom Aidyn deserves. He deserves me to be happy. I know that this move has always been temporary. God knows that this is not my forever home. I couldn't do this for another 15 years, but it is where I am supposed to be in this moment. I am still vulnerable at times. I need to gain my strength before I plant myself anywhere else. Give it time, and I will be ready. I know I will.

Some day I wont be with out him. Some day I wont miss holidays or birthdays. Some day my son wont have to call me up crying. Some day I wont have to feel like this. I just wish that some day was today. :( So tonight I am going to remind myself over and over the reasons why I am doing this. Tonight I am going to hold Aidyns picture as I fall asleep, and hope that someday, Aidyn will thank me for this gift, because its the hardest thing I've ever had to do.


Kit Kat said...

Oh Brit! This made me cry! You are an amazing mom! Especially because you give up your time with him so he can have a father! He will appreciate this. And you are right. Your happiness is definitely important to your little man's happiness. Hang in there. You know you can always call me if you need to talk, or cry.

Busy Bee Suz said...

That was a very hurtful comment she made, but we both know she did not mean it to hurt you. She was not thinking in that direction at all.
You should take a moment soon and just let her know that it hurt your feelings and explain like you did here...nicely too. Sometimes we all say things without thinking about how deeply it could effect someone else. And you are right, you are a great Mom because YOU do sacrifice a LOT for your little are not selfish in the least, I am not sure if I would be as strong as you in your situation.
Hugs, Suz

~Tom~ said...

When I first started reading it I had all of these thoughts pop into my head. All of the words of wisdom I had planned to impart on you, I discovered that you already said them further into your post.

You are a very smart woman. Never let anyone make you think otherwise. People are always going to say things that may hurt. We can not change them. All we can do is look at them with our chin held high. Comforted by the knowledge that we know who we really are!

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. For your character is who you really are. Your reputation is merely what others perceive you to be.....((HUG))

Brittany said...

Thank you all! God knows how much I need all your words!

You guys are incredible.

P.s. tom, i think i'm going to print your last paragraph out! That was awesome!

Lori said...

Oh honey I just wish I could hug you right now and reassure you of all that you already know deep in your soul. Life as a mother means putting someone else before yourself. That's what you do. I have told you over and over again, that Tony is lucky that you are the mother of his child because most girls would have been more selfish through out ALL of this and used Aidyn as a pawn to manipulate the father for their own selfish reasons. I am your mother, and I have never seen you do this in the 2 1/2 years you have been Aidyns mommy.

I have held you while you have sobbed over all of this. I have listening to you cry and express the deep deep pain that comes from your mother heart. I have watched you my dear daughter and admired the woman that you are. You could teach classes about how to handle oneself unselfishly and to put the better of your child first to people in the same situation. And to do this very thing, it has caused you deep pain and sadness. You do it because you love Aidyn more than you love looking good or hoarding him to yourself. You make a choice to do "this" because it's the good and right thing.

Many people will never "get" this. Many people will never know what it means to step away for the long term better of everyone. You choose to move so that you could get strong. You did what you had to do and many will not understand. But, that's okay.

You know very well how much I understand having to do something like this. I do not regret it to this day. My only regret is that I didn't take care of myself better before hand so that I wouldn't have had to do that. But, what I gained and was able to give to you because of it far outweights any negative.

Yet, I lost so many people in my life because they didn't understand and they never even tried to. This still hurts me to this day because these were people I did anything for and supported them through lots of their hard times and never judged them. Yet, these supposed friends were the first to throw stones at me. The good that comes out of that, is that I have learned to not be this way to people myself. How easy it is to pick up that stone and throw easy it is to point fingers in disapproval when we are ignorant to the most important things in life, like being there for our loved one. How easy it is to speak out of ignorance so now I've learned to keep my mouth shut and to listen more.

I am sorry that you are sad and that these words spoken, not meaning to hurt but insensitive and out of ignorance nonetheless. If anything,I pray that this makes you realize even more so, how right it is, that you are making this choice to let Aidyn have these relationships with his daddy, other grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, great grandma....on a side note to make you see what I mean....Grandma Terry was telling me that Great Grandma came over and played on the floor with Aidyn for a couple of hours while she went to the dr. How precious that Aidyn will have memories of playing with this beautiful elderly grandma. You are giving this to him Brittany. I know how much you love her. I know she knows how much you sacrafice to give this time to them all. This elderly grandma is Aidyns roots and foundation. What joy and delight he must bring her. How grand.

So yes, honey you hug his picture as a reminder that he is always with you in your heart, as you are with me, always...:) but do it also as a reminder of the great mother heart you have that sacrafices to give until it hurts.

I love you my dear. I hurt for you. I see what you give up and so do others. We get it. XX

RileyScott said...

I hope you have your little boy back with you soon.

you seem like a great mom, and Tom is 100% right.