Friday, July 31, 2009

Its a long one...

Theres moments where you take a look at your life -sigh- and wonder how you got to this place. How did my life get so off course. I don't mean to imply that my life is bad. It isn't. It's just different then I had envisioned.

I pictured myself in college. Finishing with an art degree. Advertising for a big company. Living in a big fashionable city. Catching cabs, and sipping expensive coffees. Taking trips around the world. Meeting fabulous people. Marrying in my thirties. Having kids five years later. Working hard. My kids in private school, me helping with school projects and watching sporting events. My husband supportive and involved. Happy. Sounds like a modern day fairy tale huh?

Some how that changed. I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I think I've shared that with you, so I wont go down that road again.. but I do. I do remember it like it was yesterday. The way that it hit me that my life was forever changed. That I was 19 and pregnant. In a poor relationship. Working at a low paying job. It was the life I never wanted, and it was mine.

No this isn't a pity party. I promise. I fell more in love in those nine months then I could have ever imagined. I gave birth not only to my son, but to a new life. A new way of thinking. New opportunities. New excitement and a new reason for life.

I breast fed Aidyn. I think it's a special bond you get when you breast feed. I understand that it isn't for everyone, but for me it was a given. I wanted that closeness even if it took lots of extra effort. I felt that it gave me purpose. A reason for living. To be able to sustain a life. To see his beautiful blue eyes lock in, and know that I was his mother. Me... a mother.

When things didn't work out with BD I knew it would be hard. Little did I know. This road has been filled with challenges. Some I have brought on myself and others are just tough knocks. To this day it pains me to see BD with his girlfriend. To see the way that her arm wraps around his waist, with the perfect diamond on her finger. The way my son hugs her, and to the outside world they look like the perfect family. The family that I dreamed of being. I am glad that I am not her. I am glad that I am not with him. As much as I am blessed with a BD that loves his son, I would hate to be in a love-less relationship. So as it stands, I am content.. but yes, theres a but. I wish that I could give my son that family. That I was apart of that daily routine. Where he didn't get shuffled across the country. That he didn't have to call me up to say goodnight. That I could walk into his room, and kiss him this very moment.

How did my life get to this point where my stomach tightens and my heart breaks when I think of my son. How it will be two months. TWO MONTHS until I see his face again. I don't know how I am going to get on that plane on Wednesday and fly away. Fly away from the daily opportunities to watch him grow. How I will have two whole months of his life and memories plucked away. How as a mother can I do that?

to me?

to him?

I know the reasons. They are still the same reasons that I moved there in the first place, but right now none of those reasons matter. All that matters is that I am a mother missing her child. Every time I say goodbye to him, it reminds me of a night when I was pregnant. BD and I were sitting in the living room. Money was tight, and we didn't know how we were going to be able to financially take care of this child. Thats when I threw adoption on the table. Hoping BD would dismiss it as much as I wanted to. It was logical. He said "maybe you're right." I wanted him to fight for our child. I wanted him to disagree with me. I don't know why I said it, but that's when I really considered it. I ran to the upstairs bathroom and cried for an hour on the cold tile floor. I wept for a child that I was considering giving away. Leaving. That ache I felt for him in my tummy is the ache I feel every time I say goodbye to him. Every time I drive away. It is the most exhausting and miserable feeling I have ever felt. I wish it upon no one. I suspect it is a small taste of how it feels to lose a child. Only a small taste. I guess I could never imagine.

This blog has gotten longer and more detailed then I ever planned. If you have read it all the way through, then I hope you don't look down on me. Although I wouldn't blame you. Because of course what kind of mother would put her son through this. What real mother. I know that I have put this on myself. That I made the choice to leave. That I made the choice not to fight harder in court. That I believed so little in myself that I couldn't stick up to him. Yet, like I said.. tonight none of that matters. Tonight all I want to do is cry. All I want to do is hold his picture and fall asleep with it in my arms. Tears in my eyes. Crying for a life that I never had, for the son that I said goodbye to, and to hoping that tomorrow is better.


Riahli said...

I think you are brave. I can't imagine parting from any of my children for two months, but he is with his dad, and you should take some comfort in that. To be a mom that allows her son a relationship with his dad is a good thing (as long as he is a good dad, which it sounds like he is?) hard to do, but in the long run it is the right thing to do. Your story is touching and it shows that life never does turn out exactly like we plan it, but sometimes even though it doesn't seem like it at the time, it's a good thing. I've done the what if many times but the thing is if I changed even one thing I might not have the beautiful children I have today and I can't imagine my life with out them...even if I was doing the things I dreamed of when I was younger, it wouldn't be worth it now.
I am sorry for your pain though, I hope that you can stay super busy and that it flies quickly by...and before you know it he will be back in your arms.