Monday, June 23, 2008

Omaha Bound!

I made my decision last week. I had my visit to Omaha, NE last Sunday through Thursday, and fell in love with the city. I loved the zoo, the restaurants, the bar, and mostly.. the people. Everyone was so friendly, and I met some amazing people. I'm not saying its perfect, not even close, but I had the feeling of "every things going to be okay" the entire time I was there.

My son was the real reason, I have decided to make my move.. or at least the tip of the ice berg.. I have never seen him happier in my entire life. His smile was huge, as he held both his fathers hand in his right hand, and my hand in his left. He kept looking up at both of us, with his huge dimply cheeked smile. He was content, and blissful. He behaved so well for us, and he enjoyed everything we did. Tony is such an amazing father, and though I've said it in the past, it was proven to me on my trip to Omaha. He changed diapers, got up with him at the crack of dawn, made him breakfast, and fed him fresh fruit. He sat with us and watched Doodle bops, swung him around, and tickled him, and Aidyn loves him for it. He was also very good to me. He called apartments, and set up showings, was supportive during my interview, was respectful, and we had wonderful conversations. It was nice to finally have no hard feelings, and a sense of camaraderie, and friendship. We have bonded over this little person that we both love so much. Many have asked, if I think we'll get back together, or if I love him.. the answer to that question is: No, we wont get back together. Tony is in love with another wonderful girl, steph. Steph is Tony's current girlfriend, and I would never want or try to come between that. She is wonderful with children, and makes Tony very happy. Second.. I do love Tony. But in a very different way then what would be needed for any type of successful relationship. I love Tony because of how happy he makes Aidyn, I love Tony because he is the father of my child. Period. I care about his well being and his happiness. Besides that, the feelings of passion, and desire.. are gone. It was proven to me in Omaha. His room is practically a shrine to his and stephs love.. and it didn't bother me. My heart didn't sink or cringe.. I just smiled, at how happy the two of them seemed. When she called I wasn't disappointed at the interruption, nor did I want to reach through phone and tear her eyes out.... like I did when I loved Tony. I am simply happy that things are working out for the best. I am happy and proud of myself for successfully moving on. (pats myself on the back)

So there it is.... I'm moving to Omaha....

Now what about my family?! It was hard to break the news to them.... though I have tried over the past few months to break it to them slowly. I've gone back and fourth on the issue for many months.. but its only now that I've been confident and moving.. (even putting in my notice at work!) So now its finally hitting me and them, that I'll be gone soon. (three weeks approx) It kills me to think about.. and I don't know how I'll actually do it. Esp. taking Aidyn away from my Mom. They have bonded over the last year and a half, and it'll kill us all to say goodbye. But the plan is to come visit every other month for a weekend. This way there will be some excitement and anticipation to the visits. I need a clear line between who is mom, and who is grandma, and as long as I live here that line is not clearly drawn. I am so thankful for all that My mom and her husband have done for me, that nothing I could say could express that... but its time that I try things on my own now. Its time that I fly away from the nest, once again. With stronger wings.. thanks to my mom. She not only supported me financially when I needed it, but gave me the emotional support to: get over tony, be a good mom, get a job that I love, and build my self esteem back up when it was crushed! THANK YOU MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are the reason I am brave enough to strike out on my own and do it again!

Wish me luck, I'm sure I'll tell you all about it!

(pictures of happy aidyn on our trip to Omaha)


Lori said...

I do understand...more than you know. It's just hard letting go of you and little man. Even though I am sad and it will be HARD I do support you and am behind you. More than anything in this world, I want you to be happy and succeed in life. I have never stopped believing in you and all your abilities...and I will never stop. I just have to work on the letting go...give me time.