Sunday, January 10, 2010

Nevertheless

I went to church today.

That statement is said by many on Sunday afternoons. In casual conversations, but for me, its not so casual. I haven't been to church in over a year. In fact I haven't stepped foot in a church since before coming to Florida. I'm not even sure why.

I think its out of guilt. Truth is that I have a conscience. A good one. One that screams and tells me the things I am doing are not okay. That tells me that I need to shape up. One I don't listen to all that much.

When I go to church, I have to face God. Not that I don't daily, but he's easier to ignore him at a bar or when I bury myself in motherhood or work. When I sit in a pew, and listen to the scriptures my heart is weighed down with all the things that I do that I know is wrong. So it's easier to ignore it then it is to deal with it. Trust me, i've gotten good at ignoring.

Today a pattern of events lead me to church. I was going to tell you all about it- it would have made a good story. Yet that isn't really the important story here. The important stuff happened once I got there.

The moment I walked through the door I felt my heart thudding. I knew that I had a lot to deal with when I sat down. I knew that I was ready. I was ready to give over all of it to him. I know he's always ready for me, and so as I sat down my eyes closed. I held Aidyn close to me, and whispered out silent prayers. Silent-heavy prayers.

I unloaded all the burdens I have been carrying for the past year. All my heart aches. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for strength. I prayed for courage. I prayed for change. I prayed for Aidyn. I prayed for guidance. I simply prayed. I talked. I worshiped.

It was as if God knew I needed time. The worship music lingered longer then I am used to, but I used all that time up. I felt comfortable, not shamed. I felt lifted up and revived. When I looked up I seen my son's eyes on the front of the church. The music was alive, and beautiful. Aidyn little arm was lifted up, as if in praise. I know he was merely mimicking the actions of the men and women around him, but the sight of him made me tear up. That is the way I want my son to live. Holy in the name of the Lord. I want to raise him with a church family. I want him to praise the Lord, and know who his maker is. I may be a good mom, I may pray with my son, but I am NOTHING if I am not raising him to love the Lord. There is no time like the present.

A few minutes later it was time for the children to go to their separate rooms. I wasn't going to bring Aidyn, but he asked where all the kids were going. I knew I needed the time to focus on my relationship with God, so I brought Aidyn up as well. Everyone was friendly, and Aidyn (the socialite) started playing immediately. I went back down to listen to the message.

What a message it was. God has a way of making his word speak to you. He knew I needed to be their. He gave the pastor the words to say to touch my heart. He spoke to me loud and clear. His message was written around the word "Nevertheless". He gave many stories that stood out, but most of all he talked about how lots of bad things happen. We are hit every day with things that can question our faith, and knock us down. Problems Financially, emotionally, socially, physically.... but we (I) need to be strong enough to say.. "Nevertheless I am going to follow the Lord." I am going to believe, I am going to stand strong. I am going to surround myself with people who are going to pick me back up. No more excuses.

For so long, I was afraid that if I went to church, and lived the life I know is right, that I wouldn't be able to have "fun".

Fun, huh? I guess I thought drinking was fun. I guess I thought sleeping around was fun. I guess I thought being hungover was fun. I guess I thought being a one night stand was fun. I guess I thought being used, and abused was fun. I guess I thought that getting my behind grabbed at a bar was "attention". I guess I thought that all of that was worth something. That at the end of the night the people I surrounded myself with, and who made it seem fun, needed me their to do the same. To make it seem like all of that was more then it was. To make it seem like it was okay.

It's not fun being alone. Its not fun feeling the way I have felt for so long. I need something in my life, and its not alcohol, and its not sex. I simply need God. I need his forgiveness.

I found that today. Again. So one more time I am walking back to my father. One more time I am apologizing for cursing his name, and betraying him. How awesome is it that I have a Lord and savior who will forgive me over and over and over again? Who welcomes me back with open arms.

Times are tough. Things aren't set and stone, and some times I don't feel like I have a foundation to stand on, BUT NEVERTHELESS, I will follow him. I am home father, I am home.

6 comments:

Midnitefyrfly said...

I hope choosing to walk in faith and to ask for forgiveness will bring your heart peace. I hope your faith will bring awareness of all of the "right" things that are fun and how much more whole you can be without the things that appear to be fun.

Thanks for sharing this today. It was inspirational and heart warming. I think your son will know the love that his heart desires through his wonderful mommy and your faith :)

~Tom~ said...

Today you have been renewed. It is a chance to start fresh. You have been given new life. Happy Birthday!!!

Busy Bee Suz said...

A new day. A new chance to be you. Remember that...EVERYDAY is your chance to be you.
Hugs,
Suz

smiles4u said...

When you called me afterwards I was so touched by all of this. You really are my courageous daughter aren't you? I am thankful that you had this experience and that you know that you are always in His arms. This really was a beautiful honest post my dear and even though you had told me about this on the phone I was still blessed in reading about it. XX

Riahli said...

Oh my goodness you got me crying with this one, I have been feeling like I need a closeness to God again too, and this post really touched me. I am so happy for you, that you had this moment and that you found a church you felt comfortable with and that the sermon spoke to you like it did. Wonderful. :)

Elizabeth said...

OH my dear friend! This made my day, this made my week! You are so sweet and to be honest with us all...it is wonderful. Thank you for your kind words today on my blog! your the best! Since I dont know what lead you to church today, all I can say is that I am so happy you ended up there. It is the best place to be on a Sunday morning! Worshipping the God that is so amazing to us. It brings me joy. It fills my heart. It makes me complete! I am so happy that you took the time to spend time with the Lord. We as people get "to busy" too, but it is so important to step back and just do it! Today my pastor spoke on we as people being busy. We need to slow down and not be so busy, because when we are busy, we get blurred vision to the things around us! Bless your heart! I look forward to more posts in your new journey with Christ. It wont be easy all the time, but remember you have powerful God that will get you through it all. I will be praying for you!!! Also, I am here if you want to chat! :-)