Nevertheless

I went to church today.

That statement is said by many on Sunday afternoons. In casual conversations, but for me, its not so casual. I haven't been to church in over a year. In fact I haven't stepped foot in a church since before coming to Florida. I'm not even sure why.

I think its out of guilt. Truth is that I have a conscience. A good one. One that screams and tells me the things I am doing are not okay. That tells me that I need to shape up. One I don't listen to all that much.

When I go to church, I have to face God. Not that I don't daily, but he's easier to ignore him at a bar or when I bury myself in motherhood or work. When I sit in a pew, and listen to the scriptures my heart is weighed down with all the things that I do that I know is wrong. So it's easier to ignore it then it is to deal with it. Trust me, i've gotten good at ignoring.

Today a pattern of events lead me to church. I was going to tell you all about it- it would have made a good story. Yet that isn't really the important story here. The important stuff happened once I got there.

The moment I walked through the door I felt my heart thudding. I knew that I had a lot to deal with when I sat down. I knew that I was ready. I was ready to give over all of it to him. I know he's always ready for me, and so as I sat down my eyes closed. I held Aidyn close to me, and whispered out silent prayers. Silent-heavy prayers.

I unloaded all the burdens I have been carrying for the past year. All my heart aches. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for strength. I prayed for courage. I prayed for change. I prayed for Aidyn. I prayed for guidance. I simply prayed. I talked. I worshiped.

It was as if God knew I needed time. The worship music lingered longer then I am used to, but I used all that time up. I felt comfortable, not shamed. I felt lifted up and revived. When I looked up I seen my son's eyes on the front of the church. The music was alive, and beautiful. Aidyn little arm was lifted up, as if in praise. I know he was merely mimicking the actions of the men and women around him, but the sight of him made me tear up. That is the way I want my son to live. Holy in the name of the Lord. I want to raise him with a church family. I want him to praise the Lord, and know who his maker is. I may be a good mom, I may pray with my son, but I am NOTHING if I am not raising him to love the Lord. There is no time like the present.

A few minutes later it was time for the children to go to their separate rooms. I wasn't going to bring Aidyn, but he asked where all the kids were going. I knew I needed the time to focus on my relationship with God, so I brought Aidyn up as well. Everyone was friendly, and Aidyn (the socialite) started playing immediately. I went back down to listen to the message.

What a message it was. God has a way of making his word speak to you. He knew I needed to be their. He gave the pastor the words to say to touch my heart. He spoke to me loud and clear. His message was written around the word "Nevertheless". He gave many stories that stood out, but most of all he talked about how lots of bad things happen. We are hit every day with things that can question our faith, and knock us down. Problems Financially, emotionally, socially, physically.... but we (I) need to be strong enough to say.. "Nevertheless I am going to follow the Lord." I am going to believe, I am going to stand strong. I am going to surround myself with people who are going to pick me back up. No more excuses.

For so long, I was afraid that if I went to church, and lived the life I know is right, that I wouldn't be able to have "fun".

Fun, huh? I guess I thought drinking was fun. I guess I thought sleeping around was fun. I guess I thought being hungover was fun. I guess I thought being a one night stand was fun. I guess I thought being used, and abused was fun. I guess I thought that getting my behind grabbed at a bar was "attention". I guess I thought that all of that was worth something. That at the end of the night the people I surrounded myself with, and who made it seem fun, needed me their to do the same. To make it seem like all of that was more then it was. To make it seem like it was okay.

It's not fun being alone. Its not fun feeling the way I have felt for so long. I need something in my life, and its not alcohol, and its not sex. I simply need God. I need his forgiveness.

I found that today. Again. So one more time I am walking back to my father. One more time I am apologizing for cursing his name, and betraying him. How awesome is it that I have a Lord and savior who will forgive me over and over and over again? Who welcomes me back with open arms.

Times are tough. Things aren't set and stone, and some times I don't feel like I have a foundation to stand on, BUT NEVERTHELESS, I will follow him. I am home father, I am home.