Sunday, March 29, 2009

The beginning.

I have talked a lot recently about the end. Well at least the end result. You all know now that I am not with my sons father. You also know that he goes to his fathers house for two months at a time. (two on, two off.) BUT what you don't know is the beginning.

Some times its hard to remember why exactly I ever loved "T". (baby daddy) With his lies, cheating, and tears that he has brought me in the last few years, but once.... a few years ago I loved him very much. So now, its time for you all to hear the rest of the story. The beginning.

I had just gotten out of a relationship built on the fact that I didn't want to be alone. I had just found the Lord again and I was seeking someone of the same faith. I was living in North Dakota, close to Montana. Attending a small State school. I knew I wouldn't be there to stay, and I was not looking for a relationship there. One day while I was working at a local Inn late at night I received an email. It was from a guy who seemed.. interesting. I responded, and then so did he. We sent long paged emails back and fourth late into the night. We both worked until 11pm and we traded them well past closing time. We talked about our favorite places, are families, our relationships with God, our futures. Slowly with each word a part of me slowly fell "in love" with a man that I had never even met.

The first phone call was monumental. It lasted well past six hours. He gave me tingles, and smiles. He made my blood boil. Everything he said seemed to click. We prayed together every night. I thought he was the man that God had brought into my life. Every day that we talked, I couldn't wait until I was home and we could meet. He lived in Southern MN, about four hours from my parents. We planned to meet the very day that I moved home. Some nights he'd talk about just driving the well over 12 hour drive just to see me. Just to kiss me. He never did, but we both wanted him to.

Then the day came. I drove over to the park, and there he was. He was handsome. Sort of. I can tell you that my sons father is a very handsome man. He really is. Although that day he was growing out his hair still for locks of love. He has very curly hair that he covered in a red baseball cap. He had a black fleece sweater on and jeans. How I can remember that, I am not quite certain. We had talked a few days before about how we wanted to keep our relationship "pure". We wanted to wait to kiss, until it would be really special. That was easy to say over the phone, but within moments of meeting and hugging each other... we couldn't wait. It was an amazing kiss. On an overlook by the lake. It was sweet. Perfect almost. He became a drug that day, one that I couldn't get enough of.

Soon, our relationship with God was the last thing on our minds. He became my lover, my best friend. Everything. We went to baseball games, and hiking. We fished. We laid tangled together in bed talking and laughing for hours. We cooked and grocery shopped. Within only a month we moved in together.... yes. really.

I had been apartment shopping for hours. Each was worse then the one before. I was so frustrated by the time he got off of work that I didn't even want to go to the appointment at another apartment building with him. He dragged me along. When we arrived and climbed the stairs I was not even close to hopeful. Then the lady opened the door. It was perfect. Just what we wanted. New, clean, cozy. We signed the lease on the spot. He picked me up and twirled me around our new home. Just like in the movies. We moved in a few days later. I thought it was going to be him and I forever.

I was wrong. Even though we continued to have "perfect" moments, the un-perfect out weighed the perfect soon. He didn't like that I ate in bed. He didn't like that I got into a creative frenzy and left a mess on the coffee table. He didn't like that it took me an hour to get ready in the morning. He didn't like that I hadn't finished college. He didn't like.... He didn't like. He didn't like.

After a few months, we decided to call it quits. Well sort of. We never came right out and said it. It just sort of was. We put in the notice at our apartment. We said we weren't breaking up. I was going to go to college closer to home. We would see each other on weekends and holidays. That's what we said. To make it easier, but we both knew it would fade. Just as fast as it came.

The week of the 4th of July I went home with out him. He was going to meet me at my parents for my moms wedding. I realized fairly fast while we were apart that it was right. That we needed to break up. I had a blast with my friends.Felt alive again.

He met me at the wedding. He upset me for the hundredth time, after getting too drunk to function and hitting on my female relatives. We fell asleep/passed out angry at each other, drove home in silence.

A week later, after the calm of the storm had passed. When things seemed to be a little better. When I thought, maybe.. just maybe we could get out of this alive. Maybe as friends. I felt different. I knew something was different. I knew deep inside of me that I was pregnant.

He said I wasn't. That was it for him... but not me.

That week I went to a local clinic alone. I sat in the cold dingy waiting room, and waited for the nurse to see me. I peed in the little cup. Waited with the other dozen women. I watched them go to the side room to hear their results. Must have been negative because they were sent out the door with paper bags. Presumably with condoms. Then I heard "Ms Johnson?" I looked up. "come with me mam." They didn't lead me to the side room. They lead me all the way down the hall. I literally said "shit" out loud. She smiled a knowing smile. She closed the door. Sat me down. Then said, "so umm.. you're pregnancy test came back positive." I stared at her. So she said again. "Umm you're pregnant." I cried for about ten seconds before saying... "okay lets do this."

I drove home with out a tear. I was too stunned to cry. Here I was 19, and on the verge of breaking up with my boyfriend. *sigh* and now pregnant.

After that it was a whirl wind. For some reason (maybe the hormones) I became so in love with him again. I wanted everything to work. I tried every hing, did everything. I moved for him three times. Going back to my parents, and then back to him. I listened to his promises. One by one. Lie by lie.

Eventually he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend. I moved home for good... I still loved him. I loved him for a very long time. Why, I'm not sure. I think I loved him longer then I would care to admit.

We have both done things that are wrong. We have both said things out of hurt and anger. We both made mistakes.. but we also made something else....

We made a beautiful little boy.

I realized once he was born that I was right all along. God did bring this man into my life. He brought him to me so that we could make an amazing little man. God knew that Aidyn wouldn't be the Aidyn and the son I know with out his fathers help. I have been blessed to have my sons father in my life, if only to teach me some tough lessons. He loves my son as much as I do. He teaches him, plays with him, and tells him he loves him every time they talk. He is going to help Aidyn be a great man. He has screwed up a few times. Some more major then others...but the end results helps heal the middle times... and the beginning well.. the beginning was bliss. Aidyn was created in the beginning. I want him forever and always to know that he was made out of love. That when he was made I was crazy-silly in love with his father, and thanks to him...A part of me will always love him. <3>


Busy Bee Suz said...

You give the word whirlwind it's true meaning.
Take care, suz

Big Hair Envy said...

Oh, Sweetie! I am in tears for you right now....good tears, angry tears, and tears of joy for your beautiful little boy.

You are obviously a strong woman, and God will lead you accordingly. Stay strong, and remember that your little man is counting on you to guide him:)

The Girl Next Door said...

Thank you for sharing. And I can totally understand loving someone even after *everything*. You are smart to see the importance of the Dad in your son's life, even when it Hurts. So. Much.

Bless you.

estroJen said...

Lovely story, I am new to your blog and enjoy it very much. Keep looking at and embracing life the way you do and all your dreams will come true.

estroJEN <3