Saturday, March 15, 2008

moments later.

shortly after clicking post, on my last blog, i heard an all familiar sound.

The sound of my sons cries. I rushed down stairs, to check on him. Usually i'd give him a few minutes, to see if he'd fuss himself back to sleep, but being as he's been so sick... (just an up date he now has pink eye, (which is getting better..) strep, a double ear infection, a cough, and a runny nose...) running a 104 temp this afternoon. So my mommy-ness got the best of me, and I rushed to get him. I crept into his room, and held him. He wraped his arms around me, and I grabed his blankie. There in the dark of his room, swaying to the classical music that plays continueously in his room, I fell back in love. I fell in love with my son all over again. Its not that I ever fall out of love with him. I am always and will always be madly in love with him. But you know that feeling, that brings contentment. It was there. I was perfectly 100% satisfied just being with him, in that moment. I wasnt thinking about boyfriends, or lustful husband love. I was just happy. I wasnt lonely.

I think God might have done that for me. He said "LOOK AT WHAT I'VE GIVEN YOU!!!" It was a reality check. So as good as it felt to post that last blog, i've realized, my happiness cant come from a man. It cant come from a relationship, and no matter how satisfied I thought I was with myself and my life, I obviously need to rethink it, and work on myself. Because that empty feeling cant be filled by a man. Maybe thats why all my relationships keep failing! I need to figure out the problem, and work on that. Then everything else will just fall into place.

Right now, i'm just happy being a mom. A guy once told me (after I brought him milk, cheese, and bread, eggs, and pancake mix to his apartment) "wow you really are a mom arent you?" I just smiled, truth is. Thats exactly what I am, and you know what...? I'm pretty darn proud of it.