Friday, August 20, 2010

5 year Anniversary.

Anniversaries are typically days marked to remember a celebration. A great day. A happy day.

Some Anniversaries, aren't happy days.

Today is one of those days.

Five years ago today, my life changed forever.

I have wrote about this day once before, so I won't go into all the details. Long story short, five years ago today, I was raped.
It is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through... This is the letter I wish I could have given myself 5 years ago:
Dear 18 year old me,

Today is the worst day of your life.

I am sorry that this happened to you. It was wrong.

I want you to know right away, that it is NOT your fault.

You are doing, and will continue to do everything right.

You are so much stronger then you think you are.

Stick with it! There will be days in the future, that you just want to drop it. Where you just want to be done with the whole thing. Just know that what you are doing is right.

You are strong!

Right now you feel like a victim.

One day, you'll realize you're a survivor.

One day you wont feel the hatred that you feel right now.

One day you'll wake up, and his face wont be the first one you see.

One night you'll go to bed, and you won't be haunted.

One day you'll forgive.

It's a process though.

You need to work through it! Each step.

Grieve. Cry your heart out! It may feel pointless, but it isn't!

Get angry. You are going to be angry at everyone. Him, yourself, and even God. Just know that God is strong enough... he knows what you are going through. It may take a while but one day, that anger won't consume you.

Forgive. It is the hardest thing you'll ever do. Forgiving isn't easy. Yet, its SO rewarding. It will heal you, and allow you to move on. It will allow you to love again. It will allow you to become the person that you are supposed to be. Right now forgiveness is the last thing you want to do, but you will reach it one day, and honey, it feels SO good!

Move on. You have a life left to live.

You have people to meet. A son to love. An adventure to go on.

Take each day at a time. Some are worse then another, but it WILL get better. I promise.

In five years, you will be so proud of who you are and where you are. You are not perfect. Life is not perfect, but its better.

So for today.... allow your family to love you. Cry your little heart out, and know that one day it won't hurt so bad.

I promise.

-A stronger you.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers today. Even after a half a decade, this is still a hard day to get through. I love you all, and I am so thankful for all your love and support!


Sarah said...

Thinking of you today, sending lots of warm fuzzies your way. You're strong and beautiful and your blog makes so many people happy.

Here's to looking toward tomorrow. :)

Brae said...

Britt, I am thinking about you today! So sorry to hear this happened! You are a very strong and you are a BEAUTIFUL lady! My Thoughts and Prayers are with you today!

Brittany said...

So sorry this happened to you Brittany! I will definitely be thinking about you today. Stay storng and hang in there!

Jennifer B said...

Us in the blogging world freaking love you. I'm glad you have the strength to not only get through it (or continue to work through it), but also to blog about it for whomever to see.
I wasn't a follower back then, so I had no idea you had gone through this, stay strong :)

Courtney said...

I will be thinking of you today! And you are definitely in my prayers. You are such a strong woman!

Renee said...

You are brave, lady. Even though something so unfair happened to you, you are full of happiness & sunshine & all the other good things you can think of! I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do.

Riahli said...

Beautifully written. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Unknown said...

You're an incredible woman, Brit. You're a 5-year survivor, which is an awesome thing. Sending you lots of love and blessings today. <3

Anonymous said...

Oh Brittany I am so sorry for what you had to go through. I had no idea this happened to you. I read the whole thing just now. That was awful! I'm so glad your okay. I'll never understand why a person would rape another one! Your such a brave girl for writing that and sharing it with us. You'll be in my thoughts today. =] Hugs!

sara said...

Thinking of you...I'm a 16 year survivor and I still have days that it makes my skin crawl. But all you can do is move forward and you're doing exactly that. Well done mama.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Hugs to you my and always.
Remember, the actions/things that happen to you don't define you. You define you, and you are amazing, strong, smart, funny and beautiful. Not to mention Mother of the year. :)
Now get out there and rock the world this weekend!

Bree said...

Definitely thinking of you today. You're a brave and strong woman. Sending you a hug!

Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you today! You are one strong women! I think of you often and so thankful for our friendship! Enjoy your day and look forward! :-) Love you Britt!

Megan Ashley said...

Thinking and praying for you today hun!!!!! Thank you also for the comment, you are too sweet! As more time goes on the healing will just keep getting better!

Amber said...

Oh, sweet Brittany! I didn't know this happened to you. You are an inredibly strong and wonderfully awesome girl and my thoughts are with you today and always. Lots of prayers to you on this tough day.

Syndal said...

Thinking of you today dear! Lots of love and well wishes coming your way!

He & Me + 3 said...

Oh Brittany. You are so strong and you are so much more mature than you age. If you were my daughter I would be nothing but proud of you and the wonderful woman you have become. You are amazing.
Praying for you today.

Miss Chelsea said...

Wow. I don't even have words to say.
I hope the day flies by for you, without any painful memories. That may be wishful thinking, but it's true!

Steph @ Professors_Wife said...

thinking of you - sending an e-pan of brownies, an e-hug, and and e-movie with a hot guy in it! ha ha

asj said...

thinking of you today. you are so brave to write this post [and just brave in general] and you truly are a survivor. Have you ever read the book "Lucky" by Alice Sebold? I recommend it, it's powerful. xo.

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetheart! I'm sorry! No one should ever have to deal with that. One good bright side... he didn't take your life like happens to some so yey you are still here with us!

Ashley said...

You're an amazing girl Brittany! I'm thinking of you today!

Mama said...

I'll be thinking about you and praying for you today!

It's bee 14 years for me and I still have my bad days. Lots of love to you today!

Aly @ Analyze This said...

I'm at a loss of words to say to you! My heart goes out to you today, and every other day forward. Your letter was very sincere, genuine and heartfelt .... Brought a tear to my eye!

Stay strong sweets!

Dancy said...

I just read this and the older post in it's entirety. I was in the same position as your friend Britney - the 1st person to find a friend after it happened to her, went with her to the hosp, had the unfortunate responsibility to call her parents & brother to tell them. I've never been in your shoes, but I've watched it happen to a beloved friend... I'm in tears at work reading this... there are no words.

I love that you are strong & insistent on telling your story. I love that you will raise a strong, caring man who will never mistreat a woman and will stand up to those who do. You are most definitely in my thoughts & prayers today.

Have a wonderful weekend full of sunshine!! :)

Shelley said...

I just read this post and then read the one you linked up to from last year. I am shocked and so so sorry! That's a terrible thing to go through. Sometimes I think of all the times where I guy could have easily raped me too and each time and I just know I was a lucky one. I'm so sorry. You seem like you have gotten so much stronger though and now you have a little guy who you are raising to respect women and love them, which is the best thing you could do now. Hang in there! Looks like we are both having bad days (for very different reasons of course) and I wish we could HUG!! Love you!

Tylaine said...

I'm so so sorry you had to go through this Brittany! How awful.
You are such a strong women and adversity always makes us stronger. Your son is very blessed to have you as a mom. xoxo
Love ya!

Kit Kat said...

Sending you prayers and happy thoughts! I'm so sorry for what has happened to you, but so happy that you are strong enough to learn from it! Love you!

Lori said...

I will never forget that moment that I got that call. I remember how hard it was to breathe until I was there to hold you and hug you. I remember laying in bed with you at night and you aksing me, "How long will it hurt?" "How long will I feel this dirty?" "How

One of the hardest things in the world is to experience something such as this yourself and then to watch someone that is a part of your heart, crumbling and falling apart in pain from that very act. I have to say it was harder for me to watch it happen to you. I would go through it myself a thousand times then have someone like you go through it.

You have had so much more courage then I and it is you that taught me so much. Telling your story and not keeping it a secret like I have, takes "it's power away. You are such a courageous resilient woman. I am so proud of you. I hope that you continue to share your story and yet at the same time take care of yourself and do what you need to do to not let "this" even win.

I'm sorry honey that you had to go through this. I am sorry that you would ever have to know such horror and pain. I know as your heart heals more and more that your journey will take you places you don't allow yourself to dream of. To the moon and back...XX

Aimee said...

OMG sweetie... I went back and read the original story. Wow. I am so sorry that something like that happened to you. I hate that there are men who do this to women. There is no excuse for them. No one understands what you went through unless they wemt thru the same thing. Im really sorry that happened to you. You are such a strong person for being able to forgive. You are a wondeerful person. I am sorry that someone made you feel dirty, violated you like that, and treated you inhumanly. It sickens me and makes me sad when I hear about stories like this on the news, It devestates me and makes me cry when I hear that people I know ("know) have been through this.

Im going to think happy positive thoughts for you today and the rest oif the week. Anniversaries of bad situations are hard. You are a strong woman with a beautiful heart and a great son. I hope that nothing like this ever happens to you ever again

Brianna Renee said...

sending warm thoughts and hugs your way friend. your words are an inspiration, never forget that. : )

Katie said...

Stay strong Brittany. You're such a strong lady!! HUGSSS

Shawntae @ alittlekingandi said...

You are soo amazing for opening up about this! This happened to me too so if you ever need someone to talk about it with you can email me. Talk to me whatever. I've been right there with you! :(

I'm crying for you because I know how hard it is. So I hope you had a smile on your face today because know that you are beautiful and you are a strong woman.

Love you!!

Iris Flavia said...

You are such a tough person!
Hope -guess- you got through the day with a proud smile.

More Than Words said...

((Brittany)) You are such a beautiful woman. I will be praying for complete healing!!!

Mandy@ a sorta fairytale said...

Oh my gosh, I didn't finish making my rounds yesterday. So glad I came by today and read this post. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Through these trials, we gain strength, wisdom and even confidence. Confidence that we can handle the hardships of life. And if we have faith- we WILL be better people on the other side.
I admire you so much (as usual) for opening up about this and sharing such a personal part of your life. You inspire me every day.

Mormon Surrogate: I'm not the mom I'm just the stork said...

Aw, I'm so sorry to hear that. You are most certainly an awesome, strong survivor!


Fragrant Liar said...

Brittany, Here from your Mom's site. I have been reading about her family for a couple years now, so it's nice to meet you.

You are a brave and strong woman, and how you've coped with your horrible experience has to be a beacon of light for other women that rape happens to. I'm glad to have met you and wish you all the best. You're inspiring.