Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Not ready for goodbye.

Yes, this is going to be a downer. Just a warning! Turn back, if you dont want to hear me whine.

So in 15 days i'll be heading back to Minnesota! Well for an extended weekend. My plans are to fly in on Thursday and fly out on Monday. I'm very excited to be able to see my mom and spend time with my niece and nephew, but its the thought that at the end of that wonderful weekend I will have to say my goodbye to Aidyn.

As part of the agreement for me to move to FL, I had to agree to 2 months on, 2 months off. Well kind of, I guess I could have fought it, and should have fought it in Minnesota, but I didnt. Instead, I did what I always do. I agreed to do what Aidyns father wanted me to do. I dont know how he is able to bully me, or have this control over me, but he does. I simply just didnt have the energy to fight him. He backed me into a corner with his expensive lawyer and his lies. I dont want to make it sound like he is a bad guy, because truly he isnt. He is wonderful with Aidyn, is friendly, successful, and genuinely an interesting person. In all actuality he is my perfect man on paper. He has most of the qualities that i'm looking for in a future husband, with out the chemistry and trust. The two most important ingrediants. *sigh* so now back to my point..

I have had Aidyn since Christmas (minus a week) and now at the end of the month he will be going across the us to Nebraska for TWO WHOLE FRIGGEN MONTHS! *insert loud sigh here* My stomach aches at the very though. I literaly tear up at the thought. As I lay in bed now, he is curled up at my side. I keep rubbing his chubby little cheeks, and feeling like crying. I just dont even want to think about being away for him that long... It reminds me of the first time...

I breast fed Aidyn, so for the first few months he wasnt able to go to his fathers home alone (since he lived 4 hours away.) Since we all agreed that we wanted to breast feed as much as possible, I simply traveled and stayed with Aidyn at his father parents house. It worked out well, and his father and I continued to have slight relationship for a while.. I still had hopes we'd end up together, and I was willing to do whatever it took to make him happy. Well I couldnt, and we didnt last. So when he was about five months old, he had his first weekend away. I thought I was ready. I had made plans for the weekend, and I was looking forward to mommy time. The first time I would be able to go out in a good solid year. But then the time came. I met him across from the Mall of America at an applebees. We sat in the restaraunt exchanging a bit of banter, and I gave him a laundry list of things Aidyn liked and disliked. His rountine.. yada yada. All the thing moms go over with babysitters. Then the time came for them to leave. His father was SO excited! Ready for there first adventure together.. I on the other hand didnt want to let go. My heart ached for him. I wasnt supposed to have to do this until he left for college!!! Life wasnt fair. After Tony pryed me away from his car.. I collapsed into the seat of my car in tears. Passing strangers looked at me with pitty. my mascara smeared down my cheeks.. My face got red and puffy. I was hystarical. I couldnt imagine a second away from my perfect baby, and that was only for a WEEKEND!

How am I going to manage for 2 MONTHS?!?!?!!?

I love him so much. Even when he is naughty, and I want to strangle him (ie: see my make up post)!!! I just dont know how i'm going to do it. My only ease of mind is that i'll be with my mom when I say goodbye. She understands goodbyes, and the love of a child. I'll be relying on her for the strength that i'll need to walk away from him. I know he'll be well taken care of, and i'm so proud to be show him off to his dad... and it'll be good for them to see each other.. but God how i'll miss him! Pray for me in the upcoming weeks. May God give me the strength, and may he make each day we have left beautiful, and perfect. :)

Hugs, and a few tears.. From FL :)


Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh, this breaks my heart!!!
I don't know how you will do it, but I know you will. If you both have a fairly good relationship right now, do you and he speak on the phone? Will you be able to at least communicate with Aidyn on the phone? I know this must be a terrible "pull" for you, but you have to do it for Aidyn...and you know he will be in good hands.
You must pray for some strength...and you can use this time for YOU. The stuff you can't normally do. I hope the time passes quickly for you...
hugs, Suz