past memories...

(whew)



Deep breath. Far too many people I know read this, and so if i push "publish" it'll shock even me...



When is the right time to "let go"?Is it when you tell everyone that you've let go? Is it when you're so angry, that you could scream? You want to stop feelings, and maybe a part of you does. Or rather, maybe a part of you is just numb....



I've gone on pretending I hate a certain someone, for so long, that I think I might have actually started to believe it. But it's hard to hate someone, when you see their face, in the one person, that you love more then anyone in the whole wide world.



The first time I saw him, my insides clenched. The first time I kissed his lips, my whole body melted. The first time I made love to him, I felt complete. Everything seemed perfect. Like we were made to play a part in eachothers life. As if God picked us to star in eachothers epic love story. Then oh how it crumbled....



I dont know when it started, when the beginning of the end, finaly hit us. Maybe he can pin point it, but he was so good at pretending, so i'm not quite sure. Or now that I think of it, maybe it was I that was good at pretending.. pretending that everything would be okay. I pretended for a really long time. Far longer, then most would allow.



I was a crazy hormonal b*tch, and he was the know it all-care little ass hole. A perfect combination for the end of a relationship. As much as I apologized and vowed to change, deep down, I knew it was all over. I tried for a while, makeing lists, trying to look pretty, or say the right thing. Nothing worked, I think he was over it, a long time before I was.



One perfect memory that stands out in my mind..........



I had just found out I was pregnant. Literaly. Hours before. I sat through an entire softball game with his parents and cousin. My big sunglasses on, to hide the tears that would whell up at the thought. Everytime he'd look at me, it was if we had a connection, a hidden secret. Something that would hold us together forever.



After the game, we went to look at a house. It was blue. An older farm house, the layout was awful. There were hundreds of pictures all over the wall. His family went with us. Still not knowing our "BIG NEWS".... we went through each room whispering secret plans, and thoughts. He took my hand and brought me outside. We looked up at this big huge tree, it was perfect for building a fort. It was funny how we both just seemed to know it was a boy. Niether of us cared for the house, but we loved the big yard, and that big old tree.



The house is still for sale today. I drive by it when I go to Iowa. My stomach still tightens at the thought. I wonder if he thinks about it when he drives by? Does his mind flash back to those few blissful moments...? Probably not.



I dont know why i'm even writing this. I guess my heart panged with lonliness. An ovewhelming feeling of being alone, hit me like a sack of rocks. I guess he was the last guy I was in a REAL relationship with. The last guy I truley loved.



Maybe its knowing that it'll never be again, that makes part of me cling on. Its safe to still love him, because it'll never be. I know that sick and twisted, and just shows how romanticly damaged I am. but part of me is so scared of relationships, I seem to choose the ones, that arent completely "there". so that even though i'm "commiting" i'm really not. If that makes any sense at all. ugh!