What if...

Aidyn-man is going to visit his father this weekend. It isn't for very long. In fact its only until next Tuesday. I was looking forward to having a free weekend until two nights ago...

In the middle of the night Aidyn woke up crying. I rubbed his back, and tried to comfort him back to sleep. He looked up at me and said, "I'm going to Omaha. I'm never going to see you again. I'm going forever."

He was crying, and my stomach dropped. Where did that come from? It came from out of no where. It has played over and over in my head ever since. It sits in the pit of my stomach. The thought makes me want to vomit.

I trust BD. I want to trust him. Things are not completely written up at this point. Neither of us has gone back to court, and so things sort of hang in the middle. We are just sort of working on the honor system.

I know it is silly of me to worry. I know that this is just a little boy talking... but the thought of never seeing Aidyn again, brings me to tears. He is my life. I hate having to put him in someone else's hands. I hate having to trust someone when I am not quite sure if I can.

I love BD. There I said it.

I want us to be a family. I want us to figure out all this craziness. I want to be able to live in the same house with our son. I want to believe that this can happen. I want to be able to understand what is going on in his head. I have never wanted to trust someone more in my life.

I am sure that next Tuesday I will get my son back safe and sound. I am sure he will be content and happy. I am sure that Aidyn is just nervous about leaving. He can't explain how he feels. He doesn't understand that this time it is only five days and not two months. I understand this... BUT....

It doesn't stop that voice in the back of my head that screams

WHAT IF...

that's what keeps me up at night. That's what makes me sick to my stomach. That's what makes me hug my son just a little tighter when I say goodbye.