Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Pregnancy scare.

Thats right people.

I had a MAJOR pregnancy scare yesterday!

I was all...

Do I have cravings? Yep! Hersheys chocolate and marshmallows!

Do I have trouble sleeping? Yep! My back is sore also!

Am I peeing more then normal? UHHH yes!

Heartburn? Yup! Pass the pink bottle, pronto!

Wait, what was that? Did I just feel a kick?

I swear I just felt something move in there.

I then proceeded to poke and prod my belly. Looking for something.. a baby maybe?

So now you think I'm pregnant too.. don't you?

So what caused this little scare?

No, not unprotected sex.

No, not a broken condom.

In fact there has been NO sex.

It was that darn show on TLC.

You know the one I'm talking about.

"I didn't know I was pregnant!"

That show is torture.

I could have not had sex in over a year and a half, and after watching that show I could still convince myself that there was a baby stuck in there, just waiting for me to go into labor the moment I stepped into the grocery store. I then convinced myself that I would indeed birth this year and a half old fetus in the frozen food section with Billy the stock boy coaching me through.

After a slight panic attack I re-examined the facts.

The cravings.... well marsh mellows and hersheys chocolates are sort of delish all the time.. ON a graham cracker... which is a typical camping treat. duh! :) I LOVE SMORES!

The trouble sleeping and sore back...... I DID just sleep on the ground for four days in a sleeping bag! HELLLOOOO! I'm not THAT young anymore.

The urge to pee..... That could have been when I shot gunned a beer with my cousin and became the "three man" in the drinking game. Which means I finished about five beers in less then an hour. (don't lecture.. i know..) That would be the reason for my peeing every two seconds. (DON'T BREAK THE SEAL!)

The heartburn..... Ya, I don't know where that came from! Maybe the salsa and spicy sausage had something to do with it!

PHEW!

No baby in my immediate future!

So the point of this post?

I think that TLC needs to post a disclaimer at the beginning of their show. I have taken the liberty to write one for them.. just in case they read this blog and in fact care what I have to say.

ahem:::

This show is not intended for Brittany Johnson. Brittany Johnson if you are having monthly periods and no sex, there is no way in hell that you are pregnant. Get off your ass and do some laundry instead of wasting an hour watching this show, and another two hours looking at your stomach in the mirror wondering if your unborn child is in there. No you do not need a baby book, and counting backwards in the calender to see when you last had sex only depresses you. YOU ARE NOT HAVING SEX. You do not need another reminder of that! TURN THE TV OFF NOW! ohhh and this is not suitable for young children. Parental Guidance is suggested.

19 comments:

ClosedOnSunday said...

I have some "girly issues." My cousin is a nurse, & on Father's Day this year we were discussing them. She proclaimed, "I bet you have a calcified baby in your belly!!!!!!!!!" She went on to say she sometimes feels a little bump in her stomach, & she's sure that a heartbeat. So yeah, we're on the crazy train with you!

Rebekah said...

This is so funny! That show makes me paranoid as well. There have been a couple times that I've been a little worried I was prego, but I wasn't. I was convinced I would be one of those women on the show!

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

That show FREAKS ME OUT. I've only seen ONE episode and I never want to watch again!

Mandy said...

Ha ha you crack me up. I watch that show all the time. But I don't really get paranoid. There was absolutely NO WAY I could have gone through my pregnancy and not known about it. I had every. single. symptom.

purseblogger said...

Oh my gosh this is hilarious! You are so funny girl. I've never even seen this show. Sounds like I need to catch it soon. :)

Shawntae said...

That show is crazy!! How can you go all those months and not know?? There are times I have phantom kicks in my stomach and i'm like SHIT i'm pregnant!! Or I'll be like what if I just go into labor and I didn't know at all that I was everyone is going tot hink i'm a crazy person.

haha I love this post! you are hilarious

Busy Bee Suz said...

I just had a baby while moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer.
Stay away from the laundry room, it is dangerous.

Aubrey S. said...

Girl, you make me laugh every time!

Maritza said...

Dang those shows!

I AM pregnant and some of the shows on TLC and Discovery Health Network make me paranoid about losing the baby. I need to get off my arse and do the piles of laundry too I think. :)

Shelley said...

Hahahaha when I first started reading this I was like "whaaa? Who has she been having sex with?! I KNOW she isn't sleeping with those online dating guys!!" Phew! So glad you aren't pregnant!! I have watched that show and it totally messes with my head!! I look for every symptom and even when I don't have a positive, I think I might be until I get that visit every month. Haha!

jules said...

HA HA HA. I love the disclaimer. I love my alcohol, but I refuse to drink beer just because it makes me pee so much!

Angela said...

Too funny!! I've seen that show and it just amazes me. I always spend the hour wondering 'How did she not know she was pregnant?' I mean seriously...I've been pregnant. There's no way I could have NOT known!!

Sammy said...

Hahaha I love your disclaimer! :) Those shows are crazy, I mean how can you NOT know... lol

Aimee said...

LOL are you going to have the second christ?? I loved this post!! I dont watch those shows but kevin is such a hypochrondriac (sp?) that he would watch it and think he was pregnant lol.

And when I read craving Hershey bars and marshmellows I thought to myself thats not weird those are DELICIOUS!

jill said...

finally someone else says it! that show makes me freak out too! and the disclaimer had tears coming out of my eyes i was laughing so hard!

Venassa said...

This made me laugh :)
I've never watched that show but it would probably make me a bit paranoid too.

nanner said...

I won't tell you who else had a pregnancy scare.

Kit Kat said...

HAHAHa!! TOO funny Brit! I have totally done the same thing... only I don't watch TLC, but given our family's fertile nature... I find myself a bit worried sometimes. The worst was when I was craving hard boiled eggs with mustard. Jonathan just looked at me like "OH SHIT" :) no babies here though!
(Not yet anyway)

Another David said...

some of those shows can really be a mindfuck for girls. the same thing happened to my ex. she watched "i didn't know i was pregnant" and the next day was freaking out when she was having a craving. turns out she was getting her period, which is pretty much the exact opposite of being pregnant.