Friday, June 18, 2010

I just don't get it..

I was all smiles in our vacation photos.

Because you don't bust out your camera when you're sobbing at 3 a.m.

Maybe its because I was intoxicated.

Or maybe..

just maybe..

It was the first time that I could let myself grieve. It was the first time I could let my guard down, and cry in front of "him." Real sobbing. So that he could really see the pain he has inflicted on me.

The pain I feel when I catch a glimpse in a store front window when we walk by. The way that we look like such a cute little family. The looks on peoples faces when they think we are a family, and they tell us what a beautiful son we have.

The idea of being a family.

And knowing, that we never will be.

Not a real family. Not one where I share my sons last name.

My heart cried for that. My heart cried again knowing my son wont have both of us each night. I wont hear BD remind him to brush his teeth before bed. I wont lay next to BD while we say our prayers with Aidyn. I wont feel his hand on my back as we say our last goodnight from the doorway before flicking his light off.

The life I envisioned for us, was gone in an instant.

Why when it still feels right, is it not? Why is it that the person who has hurt me the most in the world, is the person my heart desires.

Why is it that even when I hear him tell me he never loved me, does my love not evaporate?

Why when I hear his sing songy voice when he talks to "her" and calls her "Sug" can't I tear him from my heart. Just pull this love out, and stomp on it.

What did I do to receive such a karma ass kicking?

I just don't get it.

Do you think I ever will?

As I lay here with my son watching tv and cuddling, I ask myself why BD doesn't want this? Why would he rather be with his girlfriend tonight, and not us? How come we're not good enough? What could I have done, for him to want us?

Thats how I'm feeling today. I know its not happy. I know its raw. I know that its not great Friday night material. BUT guess what maybe its time I took away some of the "fluff" from this blog, and show you that sometimes..

I cry.

sometimes..

I hurt..

and most of the time..

I just don't get it.

15 comments:

Jenglamgirl said...

its Your blog YOU VENT GIRL. I think you are doing the right thing getting along, being civil, etc. However, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to stay clear from BD... let him call, beg, want to visit... etc. Maybe he has it all.. you the son, the girlfriend... its just to easy for him IDK. I am so sorry for your pain and frustration. What is meant to be will be as i have said before. I hope that if not BD the next guy is EVEN BETTER.... YOU SO DESERVE IT. Hugs, and squeeze that little cute boy of yours... he is worth it all. Hugs, Jenn

allie said...

Hang in there, this all sounds so painful and frustrating. He seriously had the nerve to tell you he never loved you? wtf, dude? you deserve the very best in life brittany and i have no doubt that that is what's heading your way. hug aiden extra tight tonight, he's lucky to have such an awesome mama!

Brittany said...

As Jen said, this is YOUR blog. Say what you want! You don't need to hide how you feel.

She's right about a lot of things. You need to be civil with him, but you don't need to sugar coat things with him. I know you still have to have contact with him because of Aidyn, but you don't need to hang out with him or anything like that. Maybe keeping your distance from him will either make him realize he wants his family or will make you realize you're okay without him. This is such a tough situation! Especially since I'm not in it. It's so much easier to leave a relationship and forget about someone when a child isn't involved. But you guys need to put Aidyn's first, and I know YOU do! I wish I could help Brittany. I really wish I had the right words to say. Hang in there pretty. XOXO!

Brittany said...

P.S - Aidyn is all your need in your life :-) The way he smiles in pictures shows you're doing the right thing!

Rachel said...

I am sorry you are feeling sad. I just don't understand men sometimes, they make no sense. My man begged me to get back together with him, promising this and that. 4 years later, he acts indifferent at times. I hope you find the person that makes you happy, but sometimes I think life is just not the fairy tale we grew up being promised it would be.

Tanya said...

My heart is crying towards you. This breaks my heart.

Chelsea said...

Sometimes god doesn't take things away from you to punish you, sometimes he just needs to make sure your hands are free for what he's about to give you...

Steph S. said...

I appreciate and respect your honesty - all I can say is that you are a creative, kind, and sweet person with a gorgeous son, so just take those things and push forward :)

Busy Bee Suz said...

Brittany, this must be just heartbreaking for you. I am so sorry for that. I think that eventually, you will get past him. Your heart will realize what is right and what is not right for YOU.
Embrace your son, live your life and good things will happen to you, because you deserve the best.
hugs, Suz

Riahli said...

Brittany hang in there girl, the Lord has a plan in your life and only He knows best!! :)

Debbie(single;complicated) said...

I am behind with my blog reading..I am so sorry you are hurting!!:(

Jenny said...

You are such a sweet girl - I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. It must be so hard!

Hang in there - we all love you!!!

molly YEH! said...

Sweetie, you are SO strong and it's tough to have things not turn out the way they do in the storybooks, but that's what makes you who you are! And even though I've never met you, you seem like such a nice and honest and down-to-earth person... you do not deserve to be in a family or a relationship with a guy who doesn't treat you right. Even if it would mean fulfilling that fantasy of living all together. You deserve so much more!

I am so glad you're so open with this! You rock, girl.

Another David said...

OK, I missed a lot this weekend. But to answer those questions you asked at the end there...

I'm sorry to say this because I know it doesn't reflect terribly well on me, but 22/23 year-old guys just aren't ready for that kind of thing the way 22/23 year-old girls are. There isn't anything you could have done differently to prevent it, there's nothing wrong with you or your son. It's just us. Give him a few years, he'll come to his sense.

In the mean time, don't wait up for BD. Don't chase after him. Don't allow him to have that power over you. There's a more important man in your life.

Mormon Surrogate said...

Aw, sweetie he just doesn't deserve you! You deserve better! Pain sucks... I can only imagine how you feel though. Take pride in that little boy and know that he must have been the reason to go through all you endured. He is the rainbow produced by the storm.

P.S. I agree, this is your blog... you do and say what you want..