Thursday, April 8, 2010

That thing called... LOVE.

I've been single for three years. Over that even. In fact even though I have met several men that I have "fancied" for a month or two, my heart has always belonged to one person.

I don't talk about my love life often, because really, there isn't much to tell. I'll go on a date every now and then and meet fabulous guys. Guys who are perfect... for someone else. For three years I've sat back and watched the man that I am in love with, be with someone else.

I'm not sure really how to explain how that feels. At first it was torture, and after a year it becomes more bearable. Still the first pictures of them, and the day I saw her ring for the first time are forever burned in my brain. It was painful.

Now they are no longer together. Part of me prayed for his happiness. Part of me prayed for mine. Part of me prayed that God would find a way to bring us back together. Why? Because I've always known. I've known we were supposed to be together since the very first time I laid eyes on him. I just wish he could figure that out.

I'm not clingy. I'm not a stalker...BUT.. He knows I love him, plain and simple.

Our relationship was far from perfect. We both did and said things that were wrong, unkind, and hurtful. Ending our relationship was mutual, though more strongly on his end. Still.. there were moments that were perfect. There are still moments that are perfect. There are moments when I look at him, and can't picture myself loving anyone, but him.

For so long this has consumed me. Been my driving force in every decision that I've made. Its unfair to me, my son, and to my future. Lately I have been making choices that are for me. Things that make me happy and me a better person.

I have come to the conclusion that maybe we wont end up together.. but I still want to. I want to do what I can to make it work... but he has to be willing to try as well. We have to be on an even playing field. My feelings and emotions cant be wayyyy up here, and his down there. It has to be even from the get go or I will always feel that I have to do more or be better for him to love me.

I am giving it to God. May his will be done in my life. I promise to be patient. I promise to not push things. I promise to get myself right before I commit to anyone.... even him. And God know I love him. May he give me the patients to continue to wait for him, or the courage to know when its time to let go.

12 comments:

~Tom~ said...

Life has a funny way of working out some times. Things we think will happen, don't. While things we swear will never happen, do. Things we wish for and get, sometimes turn out to be a disappointment. And other things we never even thought about, turn out to be the greatest gifts of all.

Either way, my heart goes out to you. I have been in your very shoes. It is not an easy place to be. ((HUGS))

Amber Page Writes said...

I hope it all works out for you...three years is a long time to have a homeless heart.

Truly His said...

Great post! Know that GOd writes the best love stories and He knows your heart.. I will be praying for you, friend!

Debbie(single;complicated) said...

This post breaks my heart! I get it!! MY LOVE left for another 31/2 years ago! I loved him completely! And would have never left him! It has taken time for me to accept and now embrace that we are not meant to be! AND maybe you guys are! BUT live your life as if you are not...!! Be happy without him, be fulfilled and true to your self! Only then will you really know!

Tanya said...

I pray that you find someone who loves you completely for the absolutely fabulous person that you are!

He & Me + 3 said...

You are in a tough situation. Hang in there and keep praying. God knows the desires of your heart and He will give you those but in His time.
Hugs,
Mimi

Jenny said...

I know this hard situation. I'm sorry you are going through it.

Your poignant words took me back to a place I was in for a long, long time.

And you know what?

Even though I didn't end up in the place I thought I needed to be...

I ended up in a happier place.

When you are ready to let go of your pain your eyes will be open...and you might be surprised what you find.

xoxoKrysten said...

Oh hon... I hope you find what will make you the happiest. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

molly YEH! said...

hey.

i just found your blog and i read this whole post and thought how amazing you are for opening up about this and for having the courage to be patient. the best things come when you least expect them :-)

molly YEH! said...

AHHHH you ARE my 100th follower!!! yayayayayayay!!! i think i might have to do a giveaway about it! thank you thank you!!

staclee said...

Do what you love doing and do what makes you happy. When the time is right, it will happen :)

A Lil Story said...

awww, I missed this post, but it is beautiful! It is amazing that you are willing to be patient and see what God's plan is!! I know He has something amazing in store for you =)