Monday, March 22, 2010

Single parent.

This past weekend I did some examining of my life. If you read my post about being content, then you know that I am completely happy. I really am content in who I am, and where I am. I think a lot of that has to do with the choices that I (along with BD) have made in the past three years.

As some of you know BD and I made the split when I was pregnant with Aidyn. Although we continued to spend time together, and he made it to every doctors appointment. It was hard, and sometimes I wished we had worked things out; it ultimately was the best choice we ever made.

We had to be honest with ourselves, for our son. We looked at what our relationship was like, and although it wasn't abusive, it also wasn't the atmosphere we wanted to bring a new baby into. Even in my stomach I knew Aidyn was worth it. We wanted to give him the world, even if it meant we weren't "together."

BUT even though we weren't a couple it didn't mean we didn't do this TOGETHER. Together is how we have turned Aidyn into such a well behaved, loving, and smart child.

It was hard. Working together with someone you loved-then hated-still sort of loved-but couldn't be with was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It rocked me to my core. I can't tell you how many times I held Aidyn as he cried his colicky cry, and I sobbed. It was rough.

Even when it was hard we sat down and discussed things. We knew that in order to co-parent successfully that we had to set some guidelines. Here are a few:

1. No way-under ANY circumstance will we "bad talk" the other parent in the presence of our child!

2. Never will we use our son as a token to hurt the other person.

3. Aidyn is number one- before any boyfriend or girlfriend. He did not choose to be in this situation there for HE comes first.

4. Respect. We have to respect each other so that Aidyn will respect us.

5. Routine. We kept the same routine at both of our house holds. Same rules, same bed time routine, and same schedule.

6. COMMUNICATION. There is an open phone rule. If something happens to Aidyn. Call. If Aidyn wants to talk to us at ANY time- he can. If there is a problem-we address it. Period. It is the only way this has been able to work.

Even with guidelines we failed at times. Sometimes we got angry. Sometimes we screamed. Sometimes I wish I never had to see him again. BUT with Aidyn came an understanding. An understanding that with out each other we wouldn't have this incredible little person. Our lives would be so different.

Our relationship has grown more in the past year. We went from lovers, to fighters, to parents, and now I can definitely call him: my friend. The relaxed way that we are able to co-parent is because we put the time in. We worked out the kinks. We put the time in BECAUSE Aidyn was worth it.

I know that there are people that look down on me BECAUSE I am un-wed single mother. I get it. BUT I can say that I am a far better mother for NOT marrying BD JUST because I was pregnant. I have challenged myself, I have learned to work with another person, I have turned the other cheek, and I have put my son first. If that doesn't count for something then I am not sure what does.

I don't think a persons worth as a parent should be determined by a ring. It should be determined by the effort and time one puts in. It should be determined by the love that the child receives, and by their happiness. In all of those regards, I'd say we are doing a pretty good job. We may not be perfect, but we love our son, and if you ask me... that's the only thing that matters.

11 comments:

Vic said...

A ring nor a piece of paper should make someone look down on you. I've been with Bryan for over twelve years and decided not to marry-even though in our eyes we are. My family is religious and pressure it all the time and I stand up for us and say we don't need it. God sees us the way we are and that's what matters most-not people off the street. Many women like yourself are single mothers raising their kids better than some married couples. we're not perfect, we make mistakes and learn from them. God's purpose for us is wonderful and nobody's business. I know some that look at me a certain way for cussing and other things but I'm proud of who I am and don't care what they think- Be you and be proud! As you are- Muahhhh;)

Cara S. said...

Amen girl. What a mature way of looking at your situation. Ayden is a very lucky little boy to have two parents who love him that much to find a way to make it work...not for the parents sake, but for the child's sake. Great job.

WhisperingWriter said...

You guys are doing a fantastic job. That is a wonderful list.

Busy Bee Suz said...

You are both doing a fantastic job raising your son.
Being married does not make a person a better parent. Don't worry what other people think about you. :)

danielle said...

great post, Britt. :) I'm so fortunate to stay in touch with you after all these years. You've learned a lot, and so have I...in different ways. We're both blessed and I am SO happy for you! I remember holding the little man just weeks old...sigh...where has the time gone? :)

Brittany said...

This is a great post. I think it's great that you and Aidyn's father can raise him together even if it isn't in the same house. You seem like a fantastic mother to me, married or not. No judgement here :-)

P.S - Aidyn looks ADORABLE in his pics in the last post! I love his little hat :-)

Tanya said...

Brittany this is amazing! :) You brighten my heart and open my eyes!! You are one inspiring woman! Keep it up girl!

Kit Kat said...

This is one of the wisest things that I have ever heard anyone our age say.
I am truly thankful that there are parents like you in the world.
It keeps me from losing hope. Hope that if and when Jonathan and I decide to have children that it is possible to raise a wonderful child in this society,and that others are successful.
This post alone makes me feel better. I needed to hear this after living under horrible parents for the last six months.

You really are an amazing parent, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you marital status!

Elizabeth said...

YOU GO GIRL! You are wond powerful a determined lady! I am happy to be your friend. I see that you have a wonderful child and you should be one proud momma!! :-) xoxox!

A Lil Story said...

Absolutely!... you being a wonderful, loving mom has nothing to do with your marital status. I was raised by a single mom and she is now one of my best friends!

That list sounds perfect and I am glad you are able to communicate and do what is best for your son! =)

staclee said...

I just got the shivers. That means so much- you are such a strong lady!