When I was pregnant with my son (towards the end.) things were tough with BD and I. It was inevitable that we were over, but I was still holding on. Apparently things were not okay for him, and he went else where. I can tell you with all my heart that being cheated on rocked me to my core. I have never felt more horrible about myself then the moment I found out. Its funny how when you are cheated on you internalize it. You wonder what YOU could have done. What YOU could have said. When it comes right down to it, it was never about you. It was always about him. It just didn't feel like it.
Eventually BD got into a relationship with this woman. I have gone through different stages with it. Anger, acceptance, more anger, sadness, hurt, and envy. At times all of the above. I cried my heart out the first time I seen a picture of her with my son. My heart broke when he proposed. When I hear my son say her name it makes me sick to my stomach. Its been three years, and it still kills me.
I wonder what she has that I dont. I wonder what it would be like if she would never have come around. Would we have worked through our problems? Would we be a happy family now? Probably not. BUT it's easy to think so when we never had that chance.
She really isn't a bad person. In fact she is really wonderful with Aidyn. Aidyn adores her. She spends a lot of time with him, and is everything you could ask a step-mother to be. Yet, she will always be "The other woman". The woman who slept with my boyfriend when I was pregnant with my son. How do you get over that? Forgiveness is a powerful thing, and just when I get to the point where I think I can.. I can't.
She isn't a Mom yet. They have no children, and recently it doesn't seem that there will be any in the near future. She just doesn't grasp my role in Aidyns life. She doesn't understand the bond that we have. She doesn't understand a lot of things. She wont until she has a baby of her own.
Aidyn is starting to figure things out. Tonight he says "We don't love "S" anymore do we mom?" I was mid email when I had to stop. I have never voiced this to him before. In fact I have never even let on that I don't like her. If anything I have been overly supportive of their relationship. I looked at him and said "Ohh Aidyn. "S" is a very special person in your life. You can love her if you want to. You have a very special relationship and she loves YOU very-very much." He looked at me and smiled. That made him happy. I guess when it comes to him, I just want him to be happy.
I know that BD and I wont ever be together. I don't know if BD and "S" will stay together either. Even if it hurts, I just want BD to be with someone that loves my son. Because in the end, thats just one more person to love him. That's never a bad thing. I know that the only one who is big enough to conquer my anger and resentment is the Lord. I really need to learn to lay this at his feet. I pray this year that the he helps heal my heart. The only person this anger is hurting is me. Forgiveness is even more healing for the person doing the forgiving then the one who is being forgiven. I need this in my life. To move on with my life.
Forgiveness... Add that to my new years resolutions!