When I was pregnant with my son (towards the end.) things were tough with BD and I. It was inevitable that we were over, but I was still holding on. Apparently things were not okay for him, and he went else where. I can tell you with all my heart that being cheated on rocked me to my core. I have never felt more horrible about myself then the moment I found out. Its funny how when you are cheated on you internalize it. You wonder what YOU could have done. What YOU could have said. When it comes right down to it, it was never about you. It was always about him. It just didn't feel like it.
Eventually BD got into a relationship with this woman. I have gone through different stages with it. Anger, acceptance, more anger, sadness, hurt, and envy. At times all of the above. I cried my heart out the first time I seen a picture of her with my son. My heart broke when he proposed. When I hear my son say her name it makes me sick to my stomach. Its been three years, and it still kills me.
I wonder what she has that I dont. I wonder what it would be like if she would never have come around. Would we have worked through our problems? Would we be a happy family now? Probably not. BUT it's easy to think so when we never had that chance.
She really isn't a bad person. In fact she is really wonderful with Aidyn. Aidyn adores her. She spends a lot of time with him, and is everything you could ask a step-mother to be. Yet, she will always be "The other woman". The woman who slept with my boyfriend when I was pregnant with my son. How do you get over that? Forgiveness is a powerful thing, and just when I get to the point where I think I can.. I can't.
She isn't a Mom yet. They have no children, and recently it doesn't seem that there will be any in the near future. She just doesn't grasp my role in Aidyns life. She doesn't understand the bond that we have. She doesn't understand a lot of things. She wont until she has a baby of her own.
Aidyn is starting to figure things out. Tonight he says "We don't love "S" anymore do we mom?" I was mid email when I had to stop. I have never voiced this to him before. In fact I have never even let on that I don't like her. If anything I have been overly supportive of their relationship. I looked at him and said "Ohh Aidyn. "S" is a very special person in your life. You can love her if you want to. You have a very special relationship and she loves YOU very-very much." He looked at me and smiled. That made him happy. I guess when it comes to him, I just want him to be happy.
I know that BD and I wont ever be together. I don't know if BD and "S" will stay together either. Even if it hurts, I just want BD to be with someone that loves my son. Because in the end, thats just one more person to love him. That's never a bad thing. I know that the only one who is big enough to conquer my anger and resentment is the Lord. I really need to learn to lay this at his feet. I pray this year that the he helps heal my heart. The only person this anger is hurting is me. Forgiveness is even more healing for the person doing the forgiving then the one who is being forgiven. I need this in my life. To move on with my life.
Forgiveness... Add that to my new years resolutions!
7 comments:
I can't imagine how hard that would be to deal with. I think what you said to your little man was great. They look to their mommy's for the a..ok!
(((((Brittany)))) It's so hard isn't it? You know I've already walked that road and forgiveness was the only thing that got me over it. It really did set me free. I knew that one day you would get to this point. Remember my dear daughter, it's one day at a time and as you take this road, be good to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve out all the hurt that is stuff in the creveses of your soul.
You are giving Aidyn such a gift in doing this. This is what makes you a good mommy.
Remember, even though I am far away, I am always here for you. XX To the moon and back....Mom
What a great post. It must be hard for you to see your little boy with a "Step-mom" in a sense, but remember you are his MOTHER and nothing can change that for you!!!!
Oh Brit! You have such a big heart like your mother. Everything that you said in this post was wise beyond your years. I think that you are dealing wonderfully with situations like these that keep coming up, and you are such a great mom! Aidyn in so lucky!
Aww, honey, I'm so sorry!
Any guy who would cheat on his pregnant girlfriend is not the kind of guy you'd want to keep around. Where does he draw the line?
It's nothing you did, and you know that he's going to cheat on this new woman (...also, what kind of woman gets with a man whose girlfriend is pregnant with a baby? Umm... morals?)
At least you have an amazing son out of it
Great blog!
Aidyn is one very lucky little boy. You make the absolute best mom. I tell you from experience that the pain you feel over the cheating will fade. It will never disappear but you will be able to deal with it. Hugs to you!
oh darling your words totally warmed my heart.
it is so clear that you are a beautiful person..
new follow :)
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