Since my words fail me today, I thought I'd pull a little thing that I call "Project Rewind" So we can take a look at the past. Here is a little clip from my old myspace blog. :) Its a letter to Aidyn... SO here we go.... (We can feel kind of like the man in the time travlers wife!)
How many times do i tell you I love you? Is it often enough? Never. I want you to know always, just how much your very existance means to me. How much it has meant to my life.
When you were in my tummy, with every move, kick, and painful jab I fell madly deeply and head over heals IN LOVE WITH YOU! I used to stay up until the wee hours of the morning pouring over baby books and PARENTS magazine... Cutting out clips that I liked, and trying to retain all the information, that I thought was important. Little did I know that none of it would really matter. I mean, I cant recite any of the articles, nor does it really matter. I mean sure time saving tips are nice, and articles on the new bacteria that I should be deathly affraid of may be intresting. But being a mom, is just natural. Its this bond that I share with you, even when I dont know what to do, its as if by instinct, I do it. Even when i'm scared.. Like when I locked you in the car, in the middle of winter! Okay, well I didnt know what to do, actually. I stood outside the window singing you songs, while crying hystaricaly (as were you...) while I waited for the emergency door unlocker person got there! This of course is after my frantic 911 call. (the last one I HOPE!) But you were all right.. my beautiful beautiful little boy. I may not do everything perfect, in fact nothing i've ever done has been perfect, except for you. You are the one pure, and wonderful thing i've ever done with my life. Seeing you, and watching you, exploring with you, and loving you. Those are the things that fill my days, my heart, and my soul. What an amazing God we have, to have given me these feelings ,for allowing me to be your mother, and for giving me the capabilities, of producing you :)
Sometimes I ask God, why things happen the way they do, and then I tell myself, were not suppose to know those things. If we did, we may change things, and I'm so glad everything happened exactly the way it did. I'm glad that God sent me your father. Even for a short time. Because with our love, we created you. Everything that made me fall in love with your father, I see in you. You got his best qualities. But I wont give him all the credit. You got my lips. My perfect little pouty lips. And when those little lips quiver.. boy oh boy do you put on a show! Im sure the neighbors can attest! You are the perfect mix of me and daddy. What a lucky little boy you are. You have two parents that are crazy about you. :) Know that no matter what mistakes we've made in the past, that the ending result of us, was you. That you made everything and every reason for me and daddy meeting perfect. :)
Aidyn you came into my life at a time, that I didnt think I was ready for. There were nights I cried on the bathroom floor. I didnt think I could be or was ready to be your mommy. The mommy you deserved. Sometimes I dont know what I did to deserve the privelage of being your mom. I'm just glad that God looked over every one of my flaws, and weaknesses and knew that I had it in me to do great things for you. I know now, that being a mom isnt perfect, you and I both know i've made mistakes... but I hope you know that with ever choice i've made, i've made it for you. I've made it because I love you. Because I want the best for you. Never ever forget that.
Our future is so vast. We are just at the foothills of such an awesome adventure. I am so glad that I get to be the one holding your hand, through the beginning... Thank you for that. Know that with every new "first" you melt my heart, and I fall more in love with you. I didnt think it was possible to love you any more then the moment I met you.. and then you smiled... and then you touched my face.. and rolled over.. and crawled.. and just lived another day :) Everything you do just seems so perfect in my eyes. :) I think thats what they call a "mothers love"
Well its time for me to end this letter, although my words could drag on for many more pages. I just hope you know just how loved you are. I hope you know that, and I hope I tell you that. I hope each day you hear "I love you" and see "I love you" in everything that I do. So that when you finaly rub those little tiny eyes with the back of your hand and cuddle your chubby little cheeks into my shoulder... and its time for bed.. that you know.. that you are 100% loved and cared for. Because that is my favorite time of the day, that moment of inbetween. Right before you fall asleep... and you look at me with such peace. I treasure that moment, because its me falling even more in love with you. Feel that, forever.. :)
I love you Mister Aidyn. Forever and ever and ever and ever!
Your mommy :)